Here's some of my favourite Seinfeld quotes:
Kramer: Listen, when I give you the signal, I want you to turn this water on full blast.
George: What signal? What-what signal?
Kramer: I'll yell, uh, 'Hoochie mama!'
George: If I do it, will you buy a computer?
Kramer: On the signal, George. On the signal.
George: Only if you buy. I gotta make a sale.
Jerry: I love you, Costanza.
George: Will you shut up?!
Kramer: Now! Now, George! Turn on the faucet! George, turn on the faucet! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mamamaaaaa!
Kramer: My face is all craggly, its crinkly!
Jerry: It’s from all that smoke. You’ve suffered a lifetime of smoking in seventy-two hours. What did you expect?
Kramer: Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to my face.
Jerry: And your teeth, your teeth are all brown.
Kramer: Look away, I’m hideous.
George: Well, it's definitely him.
Elaine: Him? Him who?
George : "Him who?"? Hayman him.
Elaine : Hayman The gym teacher? You found him?
George : Oh, I found him. He was sitting on the steps of the library. I sat down next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus..
Jerry: That was double overtime.
George : So I said, "Mr. Hayman, It's me - George Costanza. JFK .." He doesn't move, so I said uh, "Can't stand ya!, Can't stand ya!" He turns and smiles.. the little baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear! There I was on the steps of the 42nd St. library, a grown man, getting a wedgie.
Elaine : At least it wasn't atomic.
George : It was.
Morty: They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. MY WALLET'S GONE! MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It’s gone.
Nurse: Are you sure?
Morty: Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my X-Ray Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here?
Jerry: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?
Rental Car Agent: Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Rental Car Agent: I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
Jackie: You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even been to see the doctor. If you’re gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on.
Kramer: I guess I screwed up, huh Jackie?
Jackie: You’re damn right you screwed up. Where the hell did you get that damm balm anyway?
Kramer: The Maestro.
Jackie: The who? What are you talking about Maestro?
Jerry: Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Benes as I've heard this story a number of times. Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses In mid air mind you- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic luggie.
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty-feet out, and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said “Easy, big fellow!”. And then a s I watched him struggling I realized something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing I could see right into the eye of the great fish!
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next.
George: Then from out of nowhere a huge title wave lifted me, tossed me like a quark and I found myself on top of him, face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there so I reached in and pulled out the obstruction.
[George pulls a golf ball out of his pocket]
Kramer: Is that a Titelist? A hole in one!
George: Jerry?
Cheryl: I'm very attracted to him.
George: You think the person you were talking to is him? That's not even close to him. He's funny, Jerry's funny.
Cheryl: He never said anything funny.
George: He can't not be funny.
Cheryl: No no no, he's dark. And disturbed.
George: Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed. You can't find sickness like that anywhere, you think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me, nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine article.
Cheryl: So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act?
George: Yes! And I put him up to it, because I'm sick! I'm the one that needs help.
Cheryl: I gotta go.
George: Well, should I call you later?
Cheryl: Please don't.
George: But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!!
Kramer: Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door with my foot, you know - at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept makin' all the stops?
Kramer: Well, people kept ringin' the bell!
George: Would you mind helping me out with some of this stuff?!?
Mr. Kruger: You seem like you've got a pretty good handle on it.
George: No! I don't! Don't you even care? This is your company! It's your name on the outside of the building! Speaking of which, the 'R' fell off and all it says now is K-uger!
Mr. Kruger: K-uger, that sounds like one of those old-time car horns, huh? K-uger! K-uger!
George: Huh-ho! Oh! You are too much, Mr. Kruger! Too much!
Mr. Kruger: Thank you George, you've been great. That's it for me.
George: Oh no, you're not going out on a high note with me Mr. Kruger!
Mr. Kruger: It's K-uger!
George: No! No!
Mr. Kruger: Goodnight everybody!
George: Medium turkey chili.
Jerry: Medium crab bisque.
George: I didn’t get any bread.
Jerry: Just forget it. Let it go.
George: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread -- $2 extra.
George: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George: Yes, please.
Soup Nazi: $3!
Geroge: What?
Soup Nazi: No soup for you!
Elaine: Hi there. Um, uh...Oh! Oh! Oh! One mulligatawny and, um....what is that right there? Is that lima bean?
Soup Nazi: Yes.
Elaine: Never been a big fan. Um..you know what? Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, “ Scent Of A Woman.” Hoowah! Hoowah!
Soup Nazi: Very good. Very good.
Elaine: Well, I --
Soup Nazi: You know something?
Elaine: Hmmm?
Soup Nazi: No soup for you!
Elaine: What?
Soup Nazi: Come back one year! Next!
Jerry: Maybe we should call this off.
Kramer: Come on. What's the big deal? Just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine.
Jerry: And what's gonna happen?
Kramer: Well, it'll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the cycle it'll be a solid block!
Jerry: If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You're like Lex Luthor.
Kramer: You keep him busy.
[Kramer, holding heavy bag of concrete in arms, stumbles to machine, knocking chairs around]
[Kramer plops concrete down onto washing machine]
Kramer: Whoa!
[lifting bag into the air, Kramer, thrown off balance, stumbles backwards and slams into dryer]
Kramer: I'm out!
Elaine: What?!
Kramer: Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest.
George: You're out?!
Kramer: Yeah, yeah..what?
Elaine: Well, that was fast!
Kramer: Yallo. What delay industries?
Elaine: no no , ..
George: Vandelay, say Vandelay!
Kramer: Na, you're way way way off..Well, yeah that's the right number but this is an apartment.
George: Vandelay, Say Vandelay...vandelay Industries.
Kramer: no problem, ... no problem. How did YOU know who that was?
Jerry: And you want to be my latex salesman.
George: You have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with: Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
Jerry: I, I love that George.
George: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!
Elaine: You didn't know.
Jerry: Are you saying...
George: I think I'll have a piece of cake.
Jerry: With me?
Elaine: Well...
Jerry: You faked with me?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: You faked with me?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: You faked it?
Elaine: I faked it.
Jerry: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
Elaine: Fake, fake, fake, fake.
Jerry: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
Elaine: Not bad huh?
Kramer: [Kramer just had a seizure] What happened?
Elaine: Wait, wait, Kramer, the last time you hit your head - was Mary Hart on TV?
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: That's it! That is it! Mary Hart's voice is making you have seizures!
George’s Answering Machine: Believe it or not George isn’t at home, please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I’d pick up the phone, where could I be? Believe it or not I’m not home.
Morty: Hello?
Voice: This is Frank Costanza.
Morty: What do you want?
Frank: You think you could keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you to keep me out!
Morty: I'm sorry, we can't go back to Florida.
Jerry: Psst. Elaine
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What? Like laundry?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: You mean it shrinks?
George: Like a frightened turtle.
George: Excuse me, I’m expecting a call. Costanza?
Bruce: Yes. I just got a call. I yell Cartwright, Cartwright. Just like that. Nobody came up, I hang up.
George: Was it for Costanza, or
Bruce: Yes yes, that’s it. Nobody answered.
Geore: Was it a woman?
Bruce: Yes, yes. I tell her you not here, she said curse word, I hang up.
George: She called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her.
Jerry: Who’s Cartwright?
George: I’m Cartwright.
Jerry: You’re not Cartwright.
George: Of course I’m not Cartwright!
